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How many OPINION
POLISTERS dies it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to stop people in the
street and ask them whether the bulb should have been changed
in the first place, and what are the advantage, if any, of
the new one.
******
How many CABINET MINISTERS does it take to change a light
bulb?
Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is
being done, while the other screws the bulb into the hot-water
tap.
******
A man was polishing a light bulb before inserting it into
the socket, when there was a big flash and a genie appeared
before him. ‘I am the genie of the light bulb,’
he said. ‘I will answer any three questions for you,
but only three. Do you have three questions you would like
to ask?
‘Who? Me? said the man
‘Yes, You,’ said the genie. ‘Now, what is your
third question?’
******
How many SCOTSMEN does it take to change a light bulb?
Scotsmen don’t change light bulbs. It’s cheaper
to sit in the dark.
******
A well-known footballer who was just about to get hitched
was holding forth in the local pub. ‘It’s generally
thought,’ he said, ‘that when a player gets married,
he loses his form, but that isn’t going to happen to
me. No, with Shirley by my side, I shall play better than
ever!’
******
‘I have been playing football professionally for ten
years now. Of course, my father was dead set against my taking
up the game at all. In fact he offered me Rs.5,000 not to
train,’
‘Really? What did you do with the money?’
******
A small boy stopped Derby Country’s Kevin Francis after
a League game and said, ‘Could I have your autograph,
please?’
‘But I gave you may autograph last week, didn’t
I?’ said Kevin.
‘Yes I know,’ said the boy. ‘But if I can get
ten of yours, I can swap them for one of Peter Shelton’s.
******
A week before the Cup Final at Wembley a few years ago there
was an advertisement in The Times which read: ‘Man offers
marriage to woman supplying Cup Final ticket for next Saturday.
Replies must enclose photograph of ticket.’
******
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‘Come in Number
99, your time is up!’ the attendant shouted at the boating
lake in the park. ‘Just a minute,’ said the superintendent.
‘We haven’t got a Number 99!’ ‘Sorry boss,’
said the attendant. Turning back to the lake, he shouted,
‘Are you in trouble, Number 66?’
******
A couple of keen anglers decided to take their boat out to
sea for a day’s fishing. They were standing in the stern
of the boat with their lines cast out when an unexpected wave
struck the boat and one of them fell in. as he struggled in
the water, his friend called out, ‘When you go down for
the third time, see if my bait is still on the hook, will
you?’
******
A young lady was invited out on a luxury yacht for a trip
round the Isle of Wight. She was on deck enjoying the sights
when a stiff breeze blew up and it began to get distinctly
chilly. She shouted down to the main cabin: ‘Have you
got a mackintosh down there to keep a young lady warm up here?’
‘No,’ a voice called back. ‘But there’s
McDonalds who’s willing to try!’
******
I was staying at a hotel in Manchester last week, and I called
up the manager and told him the room was too cold. So he put
a larger bulb in the lamp.
******
The boss was interviewing an applicant for a senior post in
the accounts department. ‘Have you any experience of
double-entry book-keeping?’ he asked.
‘Oh yes, said the applicant. ‘As a matter of fact,
at my last place, I had to do triple-entry.’
‘Triple-entry?’ said the boss. ‘What on earth
is that?’
‘Well, sir, we kept three sets of accounts, one for the
active partner, showing actual profits, one for the sleeping
partner, showing small profits, and one for the Inland Revenue,
showing a loss!’
******
‘I want a word with you, Jones,’ said the boss.
‘Your salary is your own personal business and you shouldn’t
go around discussing it with any other member of the staff.’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it, sir,’ said Jones.
‘I’m just a ashamed of it as you are.’
******
Did you hear about the boss who was about to commit suicide
when he discovered that the cleaning woman had hung the sales
chart upside down?
******
‘Why do you always employ married men in your office,
dear?’ asked the boss’s wife one evening. ‘What’s
wrong with bachelors?’
‘Well,’ explained the boss, ‘married men don’t
get upset if I shout at them.’
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