What
is football? It has been described as a game with
twenty-two players, two linesmen and 20,000 referees.
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‘Whatever,
are they doing?’ she asked.
‘Oh, they’re posing for the ‘”Spot-the-Ball”
competition,’ replied her husband.
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| A
Fourth Division coach was addressing his team during
a training session. ‘Now, lads,’ he said,
‘over the last few months, I’ve given you
a lot of tips and advice on passing, dribbling, kicking
and defensive play.’ The team nodded appreciately.
‘Well, you can forget it all,’ said the
coach, ‘because we’ve just sold the bloody
lot of you! ........................................................................
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A
player was being ticked off by the coach for missing
a very easy goal-kick. ‘All right,’ said
the player, ‘how should I have played the shot?’
‘Under an assumed name,’ snapped the coach
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A young
university man was being console by his mother after
his crew had lost the Oxford, Cambridge Boat Race.
‘Never mind, dear,’ she said. ‘You
rowed faster than anyone else in your boat!’
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Following
a disastrous shipwreck, the father of one of the crew
members was asked to describe any distinguishing marks
his son possessed so that the authorities could identify
the body. ‘Well,’ said the man, ‘my
son was deaf, if that’s any help.’
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One
night, arriving in the roads, the captain of freighter
approaching Valparaiso was surprised to find an island
on his chart, which he had never seen before. He spent
the entire night beating round the island, only to
find the next morning that he had been trying to sail
round a squashed fly on his chart.
Captain: ‘What a storm that was! Thank heaven’s
it’s blown over. Good God! Where is the mizzenmast?’
Deckhand: ‘Search me, Skipper. How long has it
been mizzen?’
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What
do you find printed on an Irish light bulb?
On the top end:
SCREW IN OTHER END.
On the bottom end: SEE OTHER END FOR
INSTRUCTIONS
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A
company director was being interviewed on TV. ‘What
procedure do you adopt when a really tough problem
comes up on the production side?’ asked the interviewer.
‘We hand it over to the laziest man in the factory,’
said the director. ‘He’ll find the easiest
way of doing the job and then we simply adopt his
method.’
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The
personnel manager of a large car works in the Midlands
received a questionnaire from the Department of Industry.
One of the questions was: ‘How many employees
do you have, broken down by sex?' He replied: ‘With
us, alcohol is more of a problem.’
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A
new secretary started work on Monday morning and the
boss, who was a stickler for detail, said, ‘Now,
Miss Haines, I can’t stress too highly the importance
of punctuation.’
‘I understand, sir,’ said the secretary.
‘Don’t worry. I always get to work on time.’
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The
millionaire business magnate John D. Rockefeller once
registered at the most expensive hotel in Washington
and asked for the cheapest room available. The surprised
receptionist said, ‘But, sir, when your son stops
here, he always asks for our penthouse suite.’
‘My son has a rich father,’ observed Rockefeller.
‘I’m not so lucky.’
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Did
you hear about the shortsighted employee who was working
himself to death? He couldn’t see when the boss
was coming, so he had to keep working all the time.
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How
many BOURGEOIS CAPITALIST PIGS does it take to change
a light bulb?
Two. One to exploit the proletariat and one to control
the means of production.
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How
many SUPERMODELS does it take to change a light bulb?
None. ‘What do you want me to do, ruin my nail
polish?’
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How
many WHITEHALL BUREAUCRATS does it take to change
a light bulb?
None. ‘We contract out for things like that.’
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