About age 4, when children become more aware of their influence on the world, they become more aware of differences between themselves and others. As they play together, they will ask: "Why is your skin dark? Did you paint it?" "Why is your hair curly?" The curious questioning reveals the worries that come with this new recognition of differences. A 4-year-old will wish that her difference makes her more powerful, but she will also fear that it weakens her.
All this peaks at age 5, as children become more aware of themselves and their effect on others. "Why am I different? Is it OK to be different? Will I be loved if I'm different?" Once this awareness sets in, a child needs to know that her differences are accepted. Only then can she feel safe and important.
Awareness of differences leads to attaching values to characteristics. Children this age compare and compete openly because they want to be like those they admire. Friendships become more selective as a child recognizes and can express the individuality of the friend: "She's so funny. Her face wrinkles up when she laughs."
Teasing about differences is not only inevitable but is a way children can try out observations and learn how others react to differences. At the same time, they are learning how to accept their differences. As they compare, some differences may be hard to face. Sometimes, teasing is a child's attempt to push away differences that call up uncertainties about herself. Parents must be prepared for the teasing, ready to accept and support the child.
When a child comes home in tears over teasing, a parent would do well first to acknowledge the hurt and then show examples of strength: "It really hurts, doesn't it? I can remember how much it hurt me at your age. I cried. My mom said, 'don't show them how it hurts. Save it for home. Try to stand proud and let them see that you feel good about yourself.'"
Although we have begun to make advances toward acceptance of ethnic and religious differences, adults still need to face our underlying prejudices more openly. Only then can we set a new pattern for our children and move beyond tolerance to valuing and enjoying differences. Here are some suggestions for helping children learn to value differences: -
>Don't make derogatory statements about other ethnic or socioeconomic groups.
>Value friends from a range of ethnic, cultural and social groups.
>Introduce dolls, stories and toys reflecting a variety of nationalities, cultures and races.
>Don't overprotect children.
>Set a model of tolerance and respect within the family.
>Model a realistic, positive sense of self. Self-acceptance is a first step toward tolerance of differences in others.
>Try to avoid overreactions to teasing while expressing appropriate disapproval of such behavior.
>Learn about and cherish your family, culture, history and values. Share them with your children, and teach them to be proud of the differences that make them special.

The Oklahoman