A
famous international footbaiier was asked to appear
nude in the centerfold of a glossy new women's magazine.
Our intention is to photograph you standing nude holding
a ball,' said the features editor.
I see,' said the footballer. What will I be doing
with my other hand?'
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The match
was over and the team captain, who had muffed three
easy goals shots, came over the manager and said,
You'll have to excuse me if I dash off, chief. I've
got a plan to catch and I don't want to miss it.'
Of you go, the,' said the manager. And better luck
with the plane.'
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The
angry captain snarled at the referee. What would happen
if I called you a blind bastard who couldn't make
a correct decision to save his life?'
It would be
a red card for you.'
And if I didn't say it but only thought it?'
That is different. If you only thought it but didn't
say it, I couldn't do a thing.'
Well, we'll leave it like that, then, shall we?' smiled
the captain.
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One
night, some miles out in the Channel, the captain
of a fishing smack went below with his crew for supper,
leaving the wheel in the charge of a very inexperienced
cabin boy. Before going below, the skipper assured
the lad, Don't worry, son, you'll be all right. Just
steer by that start up there.' Unfortunately, the
cabin boy soon ran the ship off course so the star
in question lay astern instead of ahead. Panic stricken,
the lad shouted down, Hey, Skipper, come and find
us another star, I've passed the first one!'
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The members
of an exclusive South Coast yacht club were all local
businessmen. The owner of the largest yacht found
himself one man short on the eve of a big race, and
he persuaded a non-sailing acquaintance to stand in
for the missing crew member. As the yacht set off
on the first leg of the race, the skipper yelled,
Let go that jib-sheet!' What are you talking about!'
came the indignant reply. I'm not touching the damn
thing!'
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Has
anyone ever told you what a brilliant sailor you are?'
No.'
Well, where did you get the idea from?'
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Did
you hear about the Irishman who was marooned on a
desert island? One day a large rowing boat was washed
ashore on the beach, so he broke it up to build raft.
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A
large firm of importers was in need of qualified accountant
to take over the financial side of the business. The
managing director insisted that they hire only a one-armed
man. Why on earth should we hire a one-armed man?'
asked the puzzled personal manager.
'Because,' said the managing director, I'm, tea up
with always getting financial advice which begins,
"Well, on the one hand but then again, on the
other hand......."
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Some
bosses really know how to annoy their secretaries,
like the one who said, Miss Somers, please make a
dozen copies of this circulate the one with the fewest
mistakes.'
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The
boss had a long and important letter to dictate, but
he didn't get round to it until near 4:45. His secretary
wasn't able to finish it until gone 7p.m. Thoroughly
annoyed, she handed the letter over for signature
and remarked, I just wish I could be the boss for
a week and let you be the secretary!'
I don't think that would work,' said the boss. 1 could
never drink that much coffee.'
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How
many BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIANS does it take to change
a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to rush out into
the street shouting, I've seen the light! I've seen
the light!'
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How
many CORONERS does it take to change light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to pronounce the
old bulb dead from natural causes and sigh the certificate.
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How
many GERMANS does it take to change the light bulb?
Ve ask the questions!'
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How
many FRENCHMEN does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to open the
wine.
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How
many FEMINISTS does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, you sexist pig, and it's not funny!'
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How
many PROCRASTINATORS does it take to change a light
bulb?
Just one, but would it be all right if he did it next
week
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