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Confusing
Stage of Young Love
By Stephanie Dunnewind
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When
her daughter Amy was young, Nancy Bernard told her she couldn't
date until she was 25 and had her doctorate.
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"She used to believe us," lamented
Bernard, who lives in Kirkland, Wash.
Not anymore. Amy, who just turned 16, is allowed -- with conditions
-- to go on one-on-one dates with boys.
For parents, watching their little boys and girls become teens
interested in the opposite sex can bring many mixed emotions:
sadness at the loss of childhood, vicarious excitement at first
love and protectiveness over the risks involved in relationships.
Laura Kastner, a University of Washington professor and co-author
of "The Seven-Year Stretch: How Families Work Together
to Grow Through Adolescence," says preteens and early teens,
roughly ages 11-15, aren't necessarily interested in romance
any earlier than their parents at that age, but many have more
unsupervised time and may push to date or go to parties at younger
ages.
"Teens often sound much more sophisticated," said
Debra Haffner, author of "Beyond the Big Talk: Every Parent's
Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Teens, "but their feelings
and behaviors are not all that much different than the generation
before."
Eight out of 10 13- and 14- year-olds say they have had a boyfriend
or girlfriend, according to a 1998 national survey of 650 teens
by the Kaiser Family Foundation. More than half say couples
their age go out on dates, and almost three-fourths say kissing
is the norm.
By ages 15 and 16, most teens (79 percent) date and two- thirds
of couples say they are in love.
In the first or second grade, girls started asking Bernard's
son to marry them. "It's hard to know when kids transition
from playing to being more serious," she said. "When
they're younger, 'dating' means calling someone on the phone
when they get home from school."
Parents can expect girls, who hit puberty earlier and are generally
more tuned to relationships, to kick off the romantic pairings.
"By the time girls are 10 or 11, they're thinking more
about boys," said Dr. Antony Egnal, an Eastside Family
Medical Clinic physician who teaches a "Growing Up Boys"
course at Overlake Hospital Medical Center in Bellevue, Wash.
"For most boys at that age, it's still 'Yuck!' They're
embarrassed to talk about it. It's not until 12, 13 or 14 that
they become interested."
Forbidding young teens from "going out" is usually
an overreaction by parents who misunderstand the term, Kastner
said.
"A one-on-one, arranged date is completely different from
the 'going out' lexicon in the sixth grade," she said.
"In the younger grades, it's more of a peer event than
a relational event."
By the same token, parents shouldn't encourage young romances.
"If they're 'going out' and have time at school and on
the phone, that's plenty," she said. "They don't need
to be alone at the movies."
Amy Bernard's first boyfriend, who showed up in the seventh
grade, "didn't last long," she said. "A week
at tops. Some friends lasted three weeks, and that was considered
an accomplishment."
For most, romantic relationships consisted of maybe holding
hands at a movie and generally trying to avoid each other at
school, she said. "It's mostly awkward moments until one
of you gets sick of the other and breaks up."
And even the breakups aren't face-to-face. "Usually it's
in a note or IM (instant messaging on the computer) or having
a friend tell someone else you'd broken up," she said. |
She says a lot
of friends "hook up" through instant messages.
"It's a way to 'talk' for long periods of time without
using the phone," she said.
Kastner says she's seeing more parents concerned about
their children exchanging provocative e-mail and instant
messages. Many teens consider messaging safe because they're
not actually doing what they're writing and so don't consider
the consequences, said Kastner, a psychologist who works
with adolescents and their parents.
However, parents need to make children aware that sending
sexually laden messages can earn them a reputation they
otherwise doesn't merit, Kastner said.
For younger teens, school dances offer a supervised opportunity
for this age group to relate to the opposite sex.
Even though it seems innocent, Haffner advises parents
not to leave early teens unchaperoned. She also frowns
on mixed sleepovers, which set a troublesome precedent
for later years.
"Up through middle school, it's pretty easy to say
no to one-on-one alone time," Kastner said. "There's
plenty of time for that in high school. Save up the milestones
that you can. Once they hit one, they're pushing for the
next."
The Kaiser survey found that teens, given the opportunity,
will take advantage of time alone. Ninety-seven percent
of 13-year-olds who have been alone with the opposite
sex have kissed. |
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Dealing
with puppy love
Don't diminish puppy love. "If your child
says he's in love, then he's in love," said
Debra Haffner, author of "Beyond the Big
Talk." "Most likely, it's not lasting
love, but it's a real feeling and should be respected
as such."
Group dating can be a good compromise for the
15-year-old crowd, but parents need to figure
out whether it's just a bunch of teens or, say,
three established couples, said Laura Kastner,
a clinical psychologist.
Be wary of the "friend foil." "Kids
often tell parents a boy or girl is 'only a friend'
so parents don't supervise at all," Kastner
said.
Nip "But so-and-so gets to ..." pressure
by convening parents to set common limits for
a group of friends.
Keep the computer in a public room. Withdraw privileges
if e-mail and instant messages are not used responsibly.
Don't let teens date someone more than two years
older. A 15-year-old dating a 17- year-old with
a driver's license can expose an immature teen
to pressures such as parties with drinking, where
they'll want to fit in with the older crowd, Kastner
said.
Keep young teens away from late-night events such
as a prom. It's a last hurrah for seniors, and
accompanying freshmen or sophomores can easily
get in over their heads, Haffner said.
Avoid "gender wars." Parents of boys
sometimes feel as if girls are stalking their
sons with five or more calls a night, starting
as early as fifth grade. Parents should talk to
boys about setting limits and politely declining
conversations without criticizing the girls, Kastner
advised.
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"If parents think it's 'cute' for kids to
date in the seventh grade, you have to ask what they're going
to go along with by the 10th grade," Kastner said.
Some parents vicariously enjoy their children's love life, she
said. "The child is happy and excited, and a parent remembers
feeling like that. But parents also need to remember they've
still got five more years to go."
While parents want their child to be popular and liked, "there
is no compelling developmental reason to start dating early,"
she said.
In her experience with friends, Amy says it's mostly dads who
don't want girls to be in a relationship, forcing their daughters
to either break up or keep their boyfriends a secret.
On the other hand, she says, some moms always want to meet their
daughters' boyfriends and have them over all the time.
"Parents need to find somewhere in the middle," Amy
said. "They either underestimate it as not a big deal when
it's one of the coolest things to happen to you, or they overreact
when there's absolutely no reason to."
For all the ups and downs dating can bring, parents need to
remember it's an important developmental stage that introduces
teens to social and relationship skills.
As Amy explains it, "Each year -- even each week -- your
choices and the boys you like change really dramatically. You
date one type of guy and realize it's not what you want, so
you try a different type."
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