‘I was out on the boat this morning,’ said the yachtsman, ‘and there was a little skiff about twenty yards away. There was a really smashing girl on deck and suddenly she slipped and fell overboard. Without hesitating, I dived straight in, swam over, brought her back to my yacht, and gave her artificial recreation.’ ‘You mean “respiration”,’ said his friend, ‘that’s the correct term. “Recreation: is when you’re enjoying yourself.’ ‘You stick to your team, and I’ll stick to mine!’ his pal replied.

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A naval rating at Dartmouth was attending a swimming class. He was ordered to dive from a fifteen foot platform and promptly refused the order. ‘Look here,’ said swimming instructor, ‘if you were on a sinking ship fifteen feet above the water, what would you do?’ ‘I’d wait for the ship to sink about fourteen feet!’ he replied.

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On the lower reaches of the great Mississippi, a boatman operated a ferry across a very wide stretch of the river, which was full of treacherous currents and whirlpools. On one crossing, the ferryboat was tossed all over the place and an anxious old lady asked whether any passengers wherever lost in the river. ‘No, ma’am,’ the ferryman assured her. ‘We always find them again next day.

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The millionaire head of a large multinational was launching with a friend. ‘Why do you continue to work so hard?’ asked his friend. ‘Surely you’ve made enough money by now to be able to take things easy?’
‘I’m just curious, that’s all,’ said the tycoon. ‘I want to find out if there’s any income my wife can’t live beyond.’

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One of the most famous of Oxford Street’s great department stores in Selfridges. When Gordon Selfridge was starting out in business, he opened a modest store and noticed that across the road was a large establishment with a sign boasting: Established One Hundred Years. Selfridge promptly had a sign of his own made up. It read: Established Last Week. No Old Stock.

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‘What I’m looking for,’ said the boss to the job applicant, ‘is somebody to do all my worrying for me. I’ll pay you Rs. 40,000 for a job of this kind?’
‘That,’ said the boss, ‘is your first worry!’

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It is said that the manager of a sports equipment company recently approached Nigel Spink, Aston Villa’s goalkeeper and asked, ‘For Rs.20,000,’ said Nigel, ‘I’d even wear your football boots!’

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How many Midgets does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. As long as he can find a couple more to put him up to it.

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How many Twelfth-Century Workmen did it take to change a light bulb?
None. There were no light bulbs them, it was the Dark Ages.

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How many Policemen does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It turned itself in.

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An American company has just invented a new light bulb that will last up to thirty years. This is a longer than the average marriage lasts today. Just think of it. You could be on your third marriage and still be on your first light bulb.

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How many Roborts does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to say, ‘Not in my left ear, stupid! In my right ear!’

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How many Students does it take to change a light bulb?
Three hundred. One to change the bulb and 299 to picket the university demanding higher grants for heating and lighting.

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Did you hear the one about the man who walked into a psychiatrist’s office with a light bulb screwed into each of his ears? He said, ‘Doctor, I want to talk to you about my brother.’

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How many Film Directors does it take to change a light bulb?
‘I don’t care how many it takes, what it costs, or how you do it –Just Get It Changed, OK!!!’

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First Secretary: ‘My boss has a peculiar habit. When he’s dictating a letter, he always kisses me to indicate a full stop.’
2nd Secretary: ‘My boss used to do that, but I had to put a stop to it. He kept putting in too many exclamation marks!’

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The boss had a habit of talking any letters left over in his ‘In’ tray at the end of the day and putting them into his ‘Out’ tray. When a colleague asked him why he did this, he said,’ It saves time, and you’d be surprised how few of them ever come back!’