The football club dance was in full swing when three strangers arrived and demanded admission. ‘may I see your tickets, please?’ said the club secretary at the door.
‘We haven’t got any tickets,’ said one of the men. ‘We are friends of the referee.’
‘Get out of here!’ said the club secretary. ‘Whoever heard of a referee with three friends!’
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John once received a letter from Race Relations Board when, after a particularly good goal by Watford, he said, There’s a case of Barnes doing the spade-work for Blissett!’ He adds that he didn’t intend this remark to come out the way it did, although nobody laughed louder than the black payers themselves!
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One of the lesser-known stories is Greek mythology tells of a classic football match on Mount Olympus between the Gods and the Mortals. The Gods trounced the Mortals 8-0 and attributed their victory to the brilliance of their new centaur-forward.
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A First Division player not noted for his modesty was regaling his friends in the local pub. ‘I came out of the ground after the match last Saturday and there were literally hundreds of fans outside waving autograph books at me!’ Noticing the sceptical looks on the faces of his listeners, he added, ‘It’s quite true! If you don’t believe me, ask Kenny Dalglish, he was standing right next to me!’
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‘I hear you’re from Wakefield. Does your town boast a football team?’
‘We have a team, yes, but it’s nothing to boast about.’
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‘We’ve got the best football team in the country unbeaten and no goals scored against us!’
‘How many games have you played?’
‘The first ones’ next Saturday.’
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It is said that in Ireland, if it looks like rain before a match, they play the extra time first.
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‘Is your new striker fast?’
‘Is he fast! He’s so fast, the rest of the team have to run twice as fast just to keep up with him!’
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Paddy: ‘I couldn’t get to the match last Saturday. What was the score?’
Mick: ‘Nil-nil.’
Paddy: ‘What was it at half-time?’
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The manager and coach of an Irish team were discussing the players they had on their books and the manager asked, 'How many goals has O’Halloran scored this season?’
‘Exactly double what he scored last season,’ replied the coach, ‘Eleven.’
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‘I don’t care about results!’ said an Irish team manager being interviewed on television. ‘Just so long as our team wins!’
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In church one Sunday the vicar opened his Bible to read the lesson. In a loud voice he proclaimed, ‘Corinthians 7!’
A keen football fan who was dozing in the front row woke up with a start and shouted, ‘Who were they playing?’
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After considerable effort and expense a First Division manager succeeded in obtaining the services of Miodrag Krivokapic and Mixu Paatelainen of Dundee, Dariusz Wdowczwk of Celtic, Detzi Krusznski of Wimbledon, and Steve Ogrizovic of Coventry. ‘Are these, boys and good?’ asked a colleague.
‘I couldn’t careless,’ said the manager. ‘I just want to get my own back on some of these smart-aleck TV sports commentators!’
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‘Is your goalkeeper getting any better?’
‘Not really. Last Saturday he let in five goals in the first ten minutes. He was so fed up when he failed to stop the fifth that he put his head in his hands, and dropped it!’
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‘Just a minute, ref!’ yelled the goalkeeper. That wasn’t a goal!’
‘Oh, wasn’t it?’ shouted the referee. ‘You just watch the “Sports Report” on television tonight!’
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A footballer was having a lot of trouble with his teeth so he went to se his dentist. ‘What’s the verdict?’ he asked, after the dentist had carried out an examination.
‘I forecast eight draws,’ said the dentist.
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