In
the old days of the Soviet Union, the Russian used
to claim that everything had been invented by the
glorious scientists of the USSR. Russia was the only
country in the world where a scientist invented the
light bulb while working by the light of one.
******
How many JEWISH MOTHERS does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. ‘It’s all right, don’t worry,
I’ll just sit here in the dark, alone!’
******
The football club dance was in full swing when three
strangers arrived and demanded admission. ‘may
I see your tickets, please?’ said the club secretary
at the door.
‘We haven’t got any tickets,’ said
one of the men. ‘We are friends of the referee.’
‘Get out of here!’ said the club secretary.
‘Whoever heard of a referee with three friends!’
******
John once received a letter from Race Relations Board
when, after a particularly good goal by Watford, he
said, There’s a case of Barnes doing the spade-work
for Blissett!’ He adds that he didn’t intend
this remark to come out the way it did, although nobody
laughed louder than the black payers themselves!
******
‘Who is this Bill Baker everyone’s talking
about?’
‘You mean to say you don’t know? He is the
bloke that save United from relegation last Saturday.’
‘What position does he play?’
‘Position? He doesn’t play, he was the referee.’
******
It’s fascinating to see the names people give
to their boats, and have you noticed that there is
often a Roman numeral after the name? So you get Merrimac
III, Martha IV, Adventurer II, and so on. A friend
of mine has the right idea. The name painted on the
side of his little skiff is Paid IV.
******
The royal yacht Britannia was cruising off Hong Kong
one night when a light suddenly appeared ahead. The
captain signaled ahead and then sent a radio warning
but the light still steadily bore down on the Britannia.
Coming within hailing distance, the captain seized
a megaphone and yelled, ‘Ahoy there! This is
the royal yacht Britannia with her Majesty on board!
Make way! From the darkness ahead, voice replied,
‘Make way yourself! This is honourable Hong Kong
lighthouse!’
******
Leisure time sailors nowadays are advised to use an
idea from America called the Buddy System. This has
done away with sailors drowning, except in pairs.
****** |
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A
young lady was invited out on a luxury yacht for a
trip round the Isle of Wight. She was on deck enjoying
the sights when a stiff breeze blew up and it began
to get distinctly chilly. She shouted down to the
main cabin: ‘Have you got a mackintosh down there
to keep a young lady warm up here?’ ‘No,’
a voice called back. ‘But there’s McDonalds
who’s willing to try!’
******
Husband: ‘Did you give our money and passports
to the purser for safe-keeping, dear?’
Wife: ‘No, I didn’t bother. There was a
dinky little wall-safe in our cabin, with a round
glass door.’
******
The boss was interviewing a young lady for the post
of secretary. ‘How many words a minute can you
type?’ he asked.
‘Long ones or short ones?’ she queried.
******
An ambitious young businessman asked a multimillionaire
for the secret of his success. ‘There is no secret,’
said the magnate. ‘You just have to jump at every
opportunity that comes long.’
‘But how can you recognize an opportunity when
it comes along?’ asked the young man.
‘You can’t,’ said the millionaire.
‘You just have to keep jumping.’
******
Office Boy: ‘I feel like telling the boss what
I think of him again!’
Sales Clerk: ‘What do you mean, again?’
Office Boy: ‘I felt like it yesterday too!’
******
When the boss came into the office fifteen minutes
early one morning, he surprised the office manager
locked in a fond embrace with his personal secretary.
‘Jones!’ thundered the boss. ‘You’re
not paid to do this, you know!’
‘I know, sir,’ said Jones. ‘But I don’t
mind.’
******
How many ROBORTS does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to say, ‘Not
in my left ear, stupid! In my right ear!’
******
How many STUDENTS does it take to change a light bulb?
Three hundred. One to change the bulb and 299 to picket
the university demanding higher grants for heating
and lighting.
******
I was staying at a hotel in Manchester last week,
and I called up the manager and told him the room
was too cold. So he put a larger bulb in the lamp.
****** |
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