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Do
not Push Children too Hard
By
Shahida Nisar
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If
anything needs to be done at his son's elementary school,
Kamran is
the first in line to volunteer. He arranged a visit by fighter
pilot on Parents Day. He has brought in snacks for the children
and teachers' favorite coffees.
"If I get the wish list today, it's done in an hour,"
he says
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Kamran works hard at keeping everyone happy at
son Ali’s school because he feels that if the teachers
and the students are happy, then they will teach and learn more
effectively. He admits that he is a pushy parent, but he only
does it for the good of everyone else.
"I treat my pushiness with humor," he says. "When
I help him with his homework, I put on a rubber nose and become
Jingles the Clown, so he can learn with a smile on his face."
His efforts seem to be working.
Kamran, says Ali, 6, knows all his colors, can get through all
his spelling homework and seems comfortable around adults. He
also is fascinated with airplanes and wants to be a pilot. With
competitiveness in schools becoming fiercer, many parents are
finding themselves encouraging their children to succeed with
far more fervor than their parents did. Although many parents
may think that their enthusiasm for the children's success is
helpful, experts warn that it should be monitored.
Dr Elisabeth Guthrie; a mother is a co-author of "The Trouble
With Perfect," a book aimed at helping parents deal with
the ways they push their children in unhealthy ways. Guthrie
works as the clinical director of the Learning Diagnostic Center
at Blythedale Children's Hospital in Valhalla, N.Y. She first
noticed that parents of disabled children didn't push their
children in the same ways that parents of other children did.
Interestingly, she found that the disabled children often accomplished
things that their parents never expected, all without prodding.
The most pervasive idea in pushy parenting is the "everyone-else-is-doing-it"
mind-set. When parents see other children meeting with special
college application counselors and coaches, they feel their
kids need to do it, too. "Parents need to realize how much
they are being marketed to," Guthrie says. "There
is a huge industry for learning aids and tutors that parents
easily buy into. Just because someone has the money for these
things don’t mean that parents should feel obligated to
get them." But Kamran asks why resist outside help? "If
you have all these options, you can either use it or lose it,"
he says.
"Many of the pushiest parents are those that are successful
professionally," Guthrie says. "The people that have
good professional instincts like time management and the ability
to out-source projects don't realize that those skills don't
always apply to parenting." Just as often as parents push
their child into "a dream college," parents also push
their kids on the playing field.
A renowned player of the national team who runs a sports training
camp for kids, has a son. His advice to parents who want their
child to succeed in sports: lighten up. He advises parents to
carefully examine how their children's sports schedule is affecting
other aspects of family life. "Working hard is a good thing.
But if you're missing Eid festival with your family to go to
a tournament, you're showing your kid what's more important,"
he says.
Introspection is an important part of the parenting process
and may be key to controlling the urge to try to mold children
into perfect people. Most of the schools now, offer alternative
educational opportunities to students who don't thrive in the
prevailing government school system. They focus on character
education and involving the whole family in the learning process.
Many parents get caught up in a fantasy vision of what they
think a family should be like based on what they see on television
and other media. Experts say, “Parents need to accept that
fact that excellence is not the same as perfection. "But
for some reason, the two seem to get connected. Perfection is
a state of mind." |
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