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Parents
Role in Lessening Sibling Rivalry
By
Rasmi Simhan
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Brothers
and sisters naturally compete with each other, especially
when
they're close in age. But after the police-reported confession
of two
Lewisville, Texas, siblings in the killing of their 6-year-old
brother in April,
some parents might wonder when their children's quarrels are
normal
and when it's time to intervene.
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| Sibling rivalry is usually
a competition for a parent's attention, experts say. But
clearly, violence such as what happened in Lewisville
goes beyond the bounds of mere rivalry. Signs of a serious
problem between siblings include chronic fighting. "If
one child is hurting the other child regularly after you've
talked to and really worked with them yourself ... involve
a counselor or psychologist," says Michael Popkin,
author of "Getting Through to Your Kids." "If
the child seems guilty or remorseful, it's a lot less
worrisome than the same-age child who would say, 'I'm
going to do it again because I hate her or him,'"
says Dr. Russell Scheffer, director of child psychiatry
training at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical
Center. Causing serious injury or willful destruction
of property by a child needs prompt attention. A child
who harms others, even once, needs immediate evaluation. |
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"There has to be a point where they've crossed
the line," Scheffer says. In such cases, parents might
want to seek help from professionals, such as psychiatrists,
therapists or counselors.
"For parents ... it's always a good idea to run it by somebody,"
says child neuropsychologist Pete Stavinoha of Children's Medical
Center of Dallas.
And if parents are unsure whether the problem calls for professional
help, they should ask around, says Dawn Hallman, executive director
of the Dallas Association for Parent Education. "Pull in
someone familiar with kids that age -- a school teacher or someone
who raised kids," she says. Members of religious groups
or in some cases Parent-Teachers Association can also be good
resources.
But parents whose kids don't always get along shouldn't panic:
"Sibling rivalry is normal between biological kids, foster
kids, adopted kids," Hallman said.
To stop fighting before it begins, parents should establish
ground rules for behavior. Hallman set three for her children:
no physical violence, no profanity and no name-calling.
Other tips for prevention focus on discouraging competition.
Parents should avoid comparing children to each other, as in
"Why don't you study hard like your sister?" or labeling
them as "the athlete" or "the troublemaker,"
Popkin says.
Stavinoha suggests that children be encouraged to find individual
hobbies.
Sometimes, fights are inevitable. Afterward, sometimes all an
adult needs to do is to ask both children what they think happened
without passing judgment.
If that's not enough, children should be encouraged to find
their own solutions, Hallman says. For example, preschoolers
who want to play house with older children who don't want them
around might be told to pretend to be the dog and run outside.
Such an approach helps kids learn what Hallman calls the three
B's of real life: how to belong, how to recognize boundaries
between people and what to do when something bothers you.
“Parents tempted to play the referee and choose sides,
even if they didn't witness the fight, often choose wrong”,
she says. Besides, a firsthand lesson in compromise is more
effective than a lecture.
"If you involve yourself in every fight your children have,
no one wins," she says. "Including you." |
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