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Avoid
Arguments by Pairing Love, Logic
By
Patricia Anstett
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Jim
Fay believes he has a foolproof way for parents to avoid arguing
with their children.He calls it "going brain-dead."
For example, next time your child utters
a familiar phrase such as "That's not fair," just
say with a smile, "I know." Practice the phrase,
Fay told audiences gathered for his lectures at a Detroit-area
high school. Stretch out the o's in "know," he advises.
Keep your voice to a whisper. Suddenly, 600 parents are chuckling.
The laughter grows each
time Fay imitates an argumentative child.
"You're so mean," Fay says.
"I kno-o-o-w," the crowd responds."You're a
terrible parent," Fay says.
"I kno-o-o-o-o-w,' the crowd answers."You don't
love me," Fay continues.
"Nice try," the crowd says.
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Twenty years ago, Fay, a longtime Colorado teacher
and principal, forced himself to change from his drill-sergeant
style after a physical scrape with a student. Eager to find
a new approach, he took psychologists to lunch. He studied parenting
books. He jotted down the best advice he could find. Then he
went back to school to teach parenting skills. Now at 68, is
a highly sought-after speaker, making about 100 appearances
a year. His appeal is that he uses stories -- not theory or
"psychobabble," as he calls it -- to convey Love and
Logic, the term he has coined for his approach and for the Love
and Logic Institute, a Golden, Colo., parent resource group.
The love is what parents show children when they make a mistake.
The logic is what children learn from their mistakes. Love and
Logic has three rules: Give choices within limits. Set limits
through enforceable statements. Apply consequences without anger.
Fay spreads humor throughout the lecture. Parents eat it up.
Half of the 600 parents who attended the first of the Northville
lectures raised their hands to say they had heard him before.
One-third stayed to hear his second lecture. The Web site, www.loveandlogic.com,
gets 800,000 hits a month. Each summer, hundreds of parents
and teachers attend weeklong conferences.
Principal Judy Griswold of Park Lane Elementary in Aurora credits
the program with reducing behavior problems and freeing more
time for teaching. "Teachers know how to reduce conflict
with kids. Teachers are not spending time hassling kids, or
kids aren't spending time hassling the teachers. We don't react
to kids and let them push our buttons," she says. For eight
years, Edison Elementary in St. Joseph, Mo., has sent teachers
to the summer conferences. "You learn you have to change
your whole way of thinking," says Susan Colgan, family
involvement coordinator at the school. Edison Elementary works
with parents to understand how to react if a child forgets homework
or encounters a problem, Colgan says. "The mom gives empathy,
and says something like, 'I'm really sorry.'" The problem
becomes the child's, who, it is hoped, will learn from the experience
and not forget homework again. Parents "want to fix everybody's
problem. But they need to learn how to give away as much of
the control as they can," she says.
Colgan recalls a conversation on one Love and Logic tape about
a boy who made an obscene gesture in a school picture. In the
tape, Fay calls the boy into his office and says only, "We
have a problem."
"In Love and Logic, there's no place for arguing,"
Colgan says. "In the tape, Fay says, 'Maybe you'd better
call your mom to let her know you have to call the photographer,
and the call is long-distance. You will need to pay for that.'
Then when the boy calls home, his mother asks, 'What do you
think you could do?' You show lots of empathy. And you wish
them good luck." |
The tape is one
of some 60 items, including videos and books, available
through the institute. Fay has co-authored several of
the materials with Bob Sornson, a special education specialist.
"Kids today are better at developing networking strategies
with other kids, over the Internet, than their parents
are," Sornson says. The Love and Logic network is
a way for parents to compare notes and devise strategies
to work with children, much the way children talk to their
friends about dealing with parent problems.
Fay and Sornson try to keep parenting advice simple. "I
tell parents I can change their lives by teaching them
two things," Fay says. "The first is that parents
have a job setting limits. The other is that kids have
a job testing those limits. Down deep, a kid needs to
know his parents care enough to hold the line and not
let me be out of control. If you try to settle something
with kids and don't have skills to get past the manipulation
-- the 'it's not fair, my friends don't have to do that'
-- then parents make the mistake of trying to reason with
them."
After parents learn to stick to the limits they set, Fay
teaches them how to delay consequences. "It drives
kids crazy when you say, 'we'll talk about it later. Try
not to worry about it.' Parents meantime have time to
calm down, maybe call some friends for advice and think
things through." Fay acknowledges the approach is
old-fashioned. But for generations, indulgent parents
have robbed children of the chance to learn from affordable
mistakes, he says. He believes children develop survival
skills by taking responsibilities for their lives. "Self
concept is developed through struggle and achievement,"
Fay says. "Love and Logic is a balance. The parent
has to be the model, a loving authority figure. Kids are
treated with dignity and respect. We don't rob them of
that. "Empathy is the engine that runs Love and Logic."
Fay tells parents to avoid arguing by keeping words to
a bare minimum in bad times. "The great parents don't
use lots and lots of words. They save those for happy
times. The minute you start arguing, all chance of learning
goes out the door," he says. |
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Love
and Logic' Tips
Want
to avoid arguing with your children?
Go brain dead with these one-liners:
"Probably so."
"I know."
"Nice try."
"I'll love you wherever you live."
"I bet it feels that way."
"I don't know. What do you think?"
"Bummer. How sad."
"Thanks for sharing."
"That's an option."
"I bet that's true."
"I love you too much to argue."
Give choices:
"I keep the toys I have to
pick up.
You can keep the ones you pick up."
"I'll listen as soon as your voice
is as calm as mine."
"I give allowance to those who finish
their chores."
"I'll provide television and Nintendo
when the chores are done."
"Do you want to go to your bedroom
with
your feet touching the ground or
not touching the ground?"
"Will you be home at 11, or do you
need an extra half-hour with your friends?"
"Will you have these chores done tomorrow,
or do you need an extra day to get them
finished?"
"I'll reimburse you for your college
tuition for those classes in which you earn
a B or better. I'll be happy to give you
the money when I see your report card."
"I loan the car to those who have made
a
deposit equal to the insurance deductible."
"I'll be happy to buy you the clothes
I feel are appropriate."
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| Noise pollution from
ringing cell-phones has gotten so bad in Hong Kong, the
government may step in. It’s considering a public
consultation on the idea of jamming mobile phone signals
in places like theaters, libraries and restaurants. Several
cinemas have requested licenses for jamming systems. Whether
the mobile-mad public will agree is another matter. |
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