An ambitious young businessman asked a multimillionaire for the secret of his success. ‘There is no secret,’ said the magnate. ‘You just have to jump at every opportunity that comes long.’
‘But how can you recognize an opportunity when it comes along?’ asked the young man.
‘You can’t,’ said the millionaire. ‘You just have to keep jumping.’

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Tommy Docherty, the legendary manager, died and went straight up to heaven. God said, ‘Who are you?’ as Docherty strode up to the Celestrial Throne.
‘I’m Tommy Docherty,’ he said. ‘And that’s my chair you’re sitting in!’

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It’s fascinating to see the names people give to their boats, and have you noticed that there is often a Roman numeral after the name? So you get Merrimac III, Martha IV, Adventurer II, and so on. A friend of mine has the right idea. The name painted on the side of his little skiff is Paid IV.

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Husband: ‘Did you give our money and passports to the purser for safe-keeping, dear?’
Wife: ‘No, I didn’t bother. There was a dinky little wall-safe in our cabin, with a round glass door.’

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Sign on a riverbank in Ireland:
‘Notice to boatmen. When you can’t see this sign, the river is under water.’

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I took a holiday cruise last summer. One evening I was standing on the deck gazing out to sea when another passenger came up carrying a small wooden box. He opened the box and sprinkled the contents into the sea. Noticing my inquiring look, he said, ‘My wife’s ashes. ‘I said, ‘You must have love that woman. ‘No,’ he replied, ‘I just hate fish.’

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The chief accountant advised his assistant always to add up any column of figures at least three times before showing him the result. The following day, the assistant came into his office with a sheet of calculation and said, ‘Here you are, sir, I’ve added these figures up ten times.’
‘Excellent!’ said the chief accountant.
‘And here are the ten answers,’ added his assistant.

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The boss’s wife wanted to buy a very expensive hat from an exclusive shop in Bond Street. He managed to dissuade her by remarking, ‘Certainly, my dear, you go ahead. It’s a lovely hat. My secretary has one just like it.’

Doctor: ‘I’m afraid you’re suffering from extreme exhaustion. I suggest that you lay off the sailing for a while and get in a good hard day at the office now and then.’
Passenger: ‘Oh, Steward, can you telephone from a ship?’
Steward: ‘Oh, yes, sire. A phone is something you can ring up your friends on, and a ship is something that floats in the water and carries passengers and cargo.’

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Two Irish team managers promised their players a pint of Guinness for every goal they scored during an important match. The final score was 119-98.

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In the heat of the game, one of the players threw a vicious punch. The victim was all set to get struck into him when the referee rushed up and held him back. ‘Now the, O’Hara! You know you mustn’t retaliate!’
‘Come on, ref!’ O’Hara. ‘He retaliated first!’

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Three football codes prevail in Ireland: Rugby, which is defined as a thugs; game played by gentlemen; soccer, a gentleman’s game played by thugs; and Gadelic football, a thugs’ game played by thugs!

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The manager of an Irish club was talking to a young player who had applied for a trial with the club. ‘Do you kick with both feet?’ asked the manager.
‘Don’t be silly!’ said the trialist. ‘If did that, I wouldn’t be able to stand up, would I?’

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The day after the supposedly unsinkable Titanic hit an iceberg and sank, a large crowd gathered round the shipping offices in Liverpool to await information about the ship and its passengers. Suddenly, a large polar bear pushed his way to the front of the crowd and said, ‘Any news of the iceberg?’
Fred: ‘I’m thinking of buying a canoe.’
Ted: ‘Make sure you get one that’s been made in Scotland.’
Fred: ‘Why?’
Ted: ‘Because a Scottish canoe never tips.’

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‘My boy,’ said the boss to his son, who was just starting out in the family firm, ‘if you are to succeed in business, there are two things, which are vitally important: honesty and foresight.’
‘What exactly do you mean by honesty, Dad?’ asked the lad.
‘No matter what happens,’ said his father, ‘always keep your word once you have given it.’
‘And foresight?’ said the young man.
‘Never give your word in the first place.’