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A famous international footballer was asked to appear nude
in the centerfold of a glossy new women’s magazine. ‘Our intention
is to photograph you standing nude holding a ball,’ said the
features editor. ‘I see,’ said the footballer. ‘What will
I be doing with my other hand?’
******
The match was over and the team captain, who had muffed three
easy goals shots, came over the manager and said, ‘You’ll
have to excuse me if I dash off, chief. I’ve got a plan to
catch and I don’t want to miss it.’ ‘Of you go, the,’ said
the manager. ‘And better luck with the plane.’
******
The angry captain snarled at the referee. ‘What would happen
if I called you a blind bastard who couldn’t make a correct
decision to save his life?’ ‘It would be a red card for you.’
‘And if I didn’t say it but only thought it?’ ‘That is different.
If you only thought it but didn’t say it, I couldn’t do a
thing.’ ‘Well, we’ll leave it like that, then, shall we?’
smiled the captain.
******
One night, some miles out in the Channel, the captain of
a fishing smack went below with his crew for supper, leaving
the wheel in the charge of a very inexperienced cabin boy.
Before going below, the skipper assured the lad, ‘Don’t worry,
son, you’ll be all right. Just steer by that start up there.’
Unfortunately, the cabin boy soon ran the ship off course
so the star in question lay astern instead of ahead. Panic
stricken, the lad shouted down, ‘Hey, Skipper, come and find
us another star, I’ve passed the first one!’
******
The members of an exclusive South Coast yacht club were all
local businessmen. The owner of the largest yacht found himself
one man short on the eve of a big race, and he persuaded a
non-sailing acquaintance to stand in for the missing crew
member. As the yacht set off on the first leg of the race,
the skipper yelled, ‘Let go that jib-sheet!’ ‘What are you
talking about!’ came the indignant reply. ‘I’m not touching
the damn thing!’
******
‘Has anyone ever told you what a brilliant sailor you are?’
‘No.’ ‘Well, where did you get the idea from?’ ****** Did
you hear about the Irishman who was marooned on a desert island?
One day a large rowing boat was washed ashore on the beach,
so he broke it up to build raft.
******
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A large firm of importers was in need of qualified accountant
to take over the financial side of the business. The managing
director insisted that they hire only a one-armed man. ‘Why
on earth should we hire a one-armed man?’ asked the puzzled
personal manager. ‘Because,’ said the managing director, ‘I’m,
fed up with always getting financial advice which begins,
“Well, on the one hand….but then again, on the other hand….”’
******
‘Some bosses really know how to annoy their secretaries,
like the one who said, ‘Miss Somers, please make a dozen copies
of this circulate the one with the fewest mistakes.’
******
The boss had a long and important letter to dictate, but
he didn’t get round to it until near 4:45. His secretary wasn’t
able to finish it until gone 7p.m. Thoroughly annoyed, she
handed the letter over for signature and remarked, ‘I just
wish I could be the boss for a week and let you be the secretary!’
‘I don’t think that would work,’ said the boss. ‘I could never
drink that much coffee.’
******
How many BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIANS does it take to change a light
bulb? Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to rush out into
the street shouting, ‘I’ve seen the light! I’ve seen the light!’
******
How many CORONERS does it take to change light bulb? Two.
One to change the bulb and one to pronounce the old bulb dead
from natural causes and sigh the certificate.
******
How many GERMANS does it take to change the light bulb?
‘Ve ask the questions!’
******
How many FRENCHMEN does it take to change a light bulb? Four.
One to change the bulb and three to open the wine.
******
How many FEMINISTS does it take to change a light bulb?
‘Just one, you sexist pig, and it’s not funny!’
******
How many PROCRASTINATORS does it take to change a light
bulb? Just one, but would it be all right if he did it next
week”
******
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