The manager had been closeted with his new secretary for several hours. ‘Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, my dear,’ he said suddenly, pointing to her desk. ‘If at any time my wife should come in unexpectedly, that machine on your desk is called a typewriter.’
******

Boss: ‘What do you mean, you want another day off? You’ve had days off for your honeymoon, your little girl’s christening, your little boy’s flu and your father-in-law’s funeral…what is it this time?’
Clerk: ‘I’m getting married, sir.’
******

A group of successful business executives were discussing their careers and the struggle they had to make it to the top. ‘it was particularly hard for me,’ said one. ‘I had to fight tooth and nail for everything. For the first few years, things were really desperate, but I never despaired. I just tightened my belt, rolled up my sleeves, and asked my father to lend me another Rs. 100,000.’
******

The managing director had just finished outlining his plans for ‘rationalizing’ the company and making half the staff redundant. He looked around at the assembled executives and said, ‘We will now take a vote on my recommendations. Will all those opposed please signify in the usual way by saying “I resign”.’
******

A very attractive young lady called at the reception desk of a large business organization and asked to see the managing director. ‘Certainly,’ said the receptionist, and then added with a knowing smile, ‘The boss is never so busy that he can’t find time to see a pretty girl!’
‘Good,’ said the caller. ‘Tell him his wife is here.’
******
How many MISSIONARIES does it take to change a light bulb?
Five hundred and one. One to change the bulb and 500 to go out and try to persuade everybody else to change theirs too.
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How many DEAR PEOPLE does it take to change a light bulb?
‘Pardon.’
******

I suppose you heard about the freighter that sank nineteen times on one trip? It was carrying a cargo of yo-yos.
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A young naval student was being examined on his knowledge of seamanship by a grizzled old admiral. ‘Suppose you were at sea,’ said the admiral, ‘and a sudden storm sprang up to starboard. What would you do?’ ‘Throw out and anchor, sir,’ said the student. ‘And suppose another storm sprang up aft?’ ‘I’d throw out another anchor, sir.’ ‘And if a third storm sprang up forward?’ ‘Throw out another anchor, sir.’ ‘Just a minute,’ said the admiral. ‘Where are you getting all these anchors from?’ ‘Same place as you’re getting your storms, sir.’
******

A fellow was admiring his friend’s brand new eighteen-foot skiff as it lay as anchor. ‘Now that is a lovely boat,’ he said. ‘Yes,’ said his mate. ‘I got it for the wife.’ ‘You did?’ said his pal. ‘I wish I could get s swop like that!’
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There was a report in the newspapers last week about a scruffy tramp who tried to stow away on a luxury cruise liner. He was stopped at the top of the gangplank by the chief purser who said sternly, ‘Beggars can’t be cruises!’
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I took the ferry to Calais last summer and as we pulled out of Dover, I was standing at the ship’s rail with a Irishman and a young lady. Suddenly the boat gave lurch, the young lady slipped, and overboard she went. As her head bobbed above the surface she yelled, ‘For God’s sake, drop me a line!’ Quick as a flash, the Irishman shouted back, ‘What’s the address?’
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Irish football supporter: ‘How much is it to come in?’
Ticket clerk: ‘Rs.6. And that’s standing room only.
Irish football supporter: ‘Well, here’s Rs.3. I’ve only got one leg.’
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How many GOVERNMENT MINISTERS does it take to change a light bulb?
Government ministers never change light bulbs. They prefer to keep the public in the dark.
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How many BORING PEOPLE does it take to change a light bulb?
One.